Let's Get Personal Part 2- Accept My Apology

THIS IS UNPLANNED, UNEDITED, UNCUT, RAW AND STRAIGHT FROM MY BRAIN.

It's taken me so long to do this. I was going to postpone writing in here once again but I decided I'm stronger than this.

First and foremost I'd like to apologize to the people who genuinely read my blog posts and look forward to my writing. I've been gone so long. Trust me, I know. I'm sorry I haven't been writing as much. I can explain.

Lately, I've been disappearing into myself more and more. I spend more time alone, thinking and stressing about things- past, present and future. Even when I'm in the company of people, I'm there but I'm not really there. And the worst part of it is, I'm the only one who notices it.

I've perfected the art of fooling everyone that everything is okay with me that I could feel like I've been broken into a million little pieces inside, and you won't even tell. I'll still smile and crack jokes and be so goofy that you'll be fooled.

And part of disappearing means that I no longer enjoy the things I used to. I dread the company of people these days because I don't want to pretend that I'm okay anymore. And I don't write anymore because I'm not in the right frame of mind and my creative juices seem to have dried up.

I've been carrying my notebook and pencil around hoping I'll get the urge to write something. It's been unopened since I got back to uni, exactly a month and a day ago. At first I just hid it behind my other books so I wouldn't have to look at it but then I got the idea that if I take it everywhere, I'll be bound to open it. No such luck.

Honestly I'm only telling you all this because I'm not ashamed of it. Discussions about mental health need to be held because people are dying from it everyday. Suicides are happening because things like depression and anxiety are swept under the carpet. And God help you if you're African, specifically Nigerian like me. That's the worst because your parents behave like these things aren't real. And if they do address it, then it's a "spiritual attack from the devil that can only be stopped by fasting and praying." Thus, issues go unaddressed and people feel so shitty they think taking their own lives is the only option.

Mind you, I never said I'm depressed. Or suicidal. I'm just making a point. That I will tell you that I'm not okay because I should be able to. Because if I don't speak out, chances are that I'll only get much worse.

Again, I apologize to you all. I apologize that this isn't a fun, preppy or entertaining read. But then again, it is what is.

Cheers,

Sia.